The writer discusses some of the main points in St. John Chrysostoms teachings and practical consideration regarding Christian marriage and family.

For one who was not married, St. John Chrysostom had great insights into why a man and woman should join together in marriage and what traits would bring a married couple closer to God and His Kingdom. His understanding of marriage, some 1700 years old, still has relevance today.

It is quite evident that St. John considered celibacy and virginity as ultimate Christian virtues and encouraged those who were so inclined to remain unmarried. However, those who do not have the spiritual gift to maintain a celibate lifestyle have the Holy Mystery of marriage to preserve and nurture the their personal sanctity.

The Mystery of Marriage

Marriage from an Orthodox perspective is that Holy Mystery (sacrament) which sanctifies the union of a man and woman who desire to share each other's life and to seek fullness of the same, while, as one entity, gaining salvation. This, according to St. John, must be the primary goal for those entering into a marriage,. The second goal of marriage is the raising of children.

Christian marriage was not intended to be a social arrangement for the convenience of two people, but rather undertaken in the presence of God, before His holy altar. It is the oldest of God's Holy Mysteries. It is "holy" matrimony, not something that was invented by man for mankind but by God. It is, therefore, not something to be regulated by man, but by God. God blessed the first marriage of Adam and Eve, and He still blesses those conducted in His Church today.

God in His infinite wisdom, fully intended man and woman to exist as one being and not as isolated individuals. Eve was not fashioned independently from man but rather created from within him. Thus, man could not alienate her as something different from him, but must honour her as an essential part of him. Likewise woman was not a self -sufficient entity, in that she required a man to bear children. The existence of both of the two individuals was based on the union of the two. The man required the woman to ensure that the human race would flourish and the woman ensured that through her gift of birth-giving it would.

In a truly Christian marriage the words "mine" and "yours" do not exist. Just as the two unite to become one body, all possessions, or lack thereof are "theirs." Married couples who live by this philosophy and teach their children to do likewise are pursuant of the virtue of holiness. This unselfish love, which is the fundamental bond of a husband and wife, becomes the fiber that keeps society together.

On Finding the Right Spouse

St. John says that those entering marriage, must wisely choose their partner. Just as one shops around and researches the quality and value of the many possessions he or she acquires throughout their lifetime, they must be sure of the qualities of the person with whom they choose to enter into the Holy Mystery of marriage.

St. John warns us to refrain from selecting our partners strictly by outward appearances. He echoes the old adage that we still hear quite often today: "beauty is only skin deep." We are asked to search to inner beauty of those we seek to marry and not base our choice strictly on their physical characteristics, which will fade within a short time, exposing our mistake. Although our initial infatuation with a member of the opposite sex may be sparked by their outward appearance, true beauty of an individual is found in their soul. Those who seek traits of affection, gentleness and humility will far out weigh the superficial characteristic of beauty which will dissipate with time. The inner beauty of one's soul is something that is timeless and has no limitations, but rather increases with age.

"Mixed" Marriages: Believer and Non-believer

Marriage within the Orthodox Church supposes that both spouses are practicing Christians for the simple reason that it is much easier to attain the goal of spiritual salvation if they are both on the same track heading in the same direction. In his Epistle to the Corinthians, St. Paul emphasizes the unity of the family and St. John agrees with him, saying that it is much easier for husband and wife to create a God-loving home if they both have strong Christian morals.

When God had created Adam and Eve and gave them dominion over the entire world, He told them to be fruitful and multiply. By telling them this He did not only mean it in a literal sense, but to also include the growth of the faith.

This is equally important today. Situations again and again rise where one spouse is Christian while the other is not and one can plainly see that their homes do not fully express the Christ-centered atmosphere encouraged by the Church. It is not because of the believing spouse but because of the non-believer, whose attitudes do not compliment the beliefs of their Christian partner.

St. John does not condemn the marriage of a believer to a non-believer, though. Through the institution of marriage, there is always the possibility that the believing spouse could in due time convert the unbelieving spouse.

The Roles of Husband and Wife

According to St. John each partner plays an equal and important role in a marriage. It is important to recognize the parallel drawn between a married couple and Christ's relationship with the Church. As Christ is the head of the Church, so the husband is the head of the family. One might ask if the institution of marriage is a partnership of equal proportions, why then does there need to be one party designated head over the other? As we see throughout history the role of leadership must be taken by one individual to ensure an orderly fashion of whatever task is at hand. Whether it be militarily, political, or marital, one head is required, otherwise chaos will surely reign. As Adam was given authority over Eve by God, and as Christ was given authority over the Church, (by the same authority of God) the husband was chosen to be head of the household.

Today, many people have a problem dealing with this issue of leadership in the family. They think the word "leadership" is synonymous with words like "power" and "supremacy." St. John though is very clear as to what the meaning of "head of the family" truly means. We know that Christ (the head) gave His life for His Church (the body) out of love. It is the same basic philosophy that the husband must rule with. According to Christ's example, to be head meant to be first, and to serve. Christ was the head of His disciples, yet He washed their feet when no one else would. This is the same kind of "head" the husband is called upon to be by St. John, one of patience, understanding and love. The leadership of the husband in his family is to be patterned after Christ's, who loved His Bride (the Church) so greatly that He gave up His very life for Her. The patterning of Christ's leadership is based not on power, but on love unto sacrifice.

Christian Parenting

Marriage is the closest relationship that human beings can experience. It is within the Holy Mystery of marriage where two individuals unite to become one. Of this union between a man and a woman, God's greatest blessing can be bestowed on them, that of human life. A child born because of the love between a man and a woman, can further strengthen the bond between them. Children become the bridge that joins the flesh of the mother and the father.

According to St. John, husband and wife jointly have authority over their children. Together these parents are called upon to fulfill God's command and bring them up in the discipline and respect of His laws. It is the combined efforts of the parents to teach the children that the love of God is greater than any wealth that can be accumulated here on earth, and that worldly wisdom should be abandoned so that they too can enjoy an infinite and eternal life in the world to come.

If the children are taught to honour their father and mother as given in the Ten Commandments it is sure to follow that they will respect their neighbour and all mankind.

According to St. John, marriage should be a haven of comfort in life's good times and bad. The vows we made before God's altar on out first day of marriage should continue throughout our lives. As we invite Christ to bless our marriage on our wedding day, we should invite Him on every subsequent day to be the third partner of our union. Every day we should ask God to bless our union just as He did on the first.

St. John Chrysostom remained single his entire life. He obviously had great strength to overcome the weaknesses of the flesh. He also believed that an unmarried life, completely dedicated to praising and serving God was the optimum choice for all believers. Yet he understood that through the Holy Mystery of marriage, the opportunity of sanctification is attainable for those who are not called to the life of celibacy.

Whether we choose to live our lives as St. John Chrysostom did, as a single individual or united in marriage as one, our primary focus must be common. Salvation is the "final goal" each one of us must strive to attain.

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